3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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