she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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