This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
