2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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