chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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