I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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