Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I can't turn off my feet"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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