My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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