if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
