Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
