my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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