I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i need some magic done to my vagina
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
