do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
that is very illegal...i love you.
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