in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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