Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
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