omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
