Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
