I'm jealous of your bromance
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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