Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Are my feet made of real feet?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
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