You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
