I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
