There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
