Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
