Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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