Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I feel like abortions should bother me more
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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