Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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