I wish I only lived at night.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
