I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Is Oprah even human
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Randomize
