for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
