just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
