theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize