I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
