I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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