just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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