her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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