Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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