Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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