I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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