Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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