i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
time to smoke my breakfast
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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