I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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