I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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