I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
