fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
