Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
