I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
jump out the window naked night went bad
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
