omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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