i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
