I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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