Whod you bang
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
