I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
