you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
