He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
