And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
