im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
