Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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