thus making me awesome and them whores
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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